Hello all!
As you guys are aware, I have been AWOL these last two weeks, and that is because I have just returned from the lovely land of Bahrain! Yes! I finally got to go to Bahrain and perform Snow White there! And I'm planning a massive post about my trip in the upcoming week.
But today, I wanted to tell you all something. Looking at the title, you can probably tell what this post is going to entail. And before you click off, I am purely going to tell you what I have experienced the last few years, because it was about time I addressed it.
The reason I'm posting this now is because a couple of days ago, I had probably the biggest panic attack I've ever had in my life. Anxiety is new to me, and I have been living with it for 3 years without even knowing what it was. It wasn't until I went to my GP and spoke about a panic attack I had when abroad last Christmas did I find out that I suffered from anxiety and what triggers it.
Nowadays, it's pretty common to say that you suffer from anxiety or panic attacks because it's just easier to say you feel anxious rather than just coming right out and saying that you're uncomfortable with something. Or, it can be used as a good "get-out" escape...especially as mental disorders are very much degraded when it comes up in discussion.
But I'm not here to discuss that today. I'm talking about my experiences, and how I'm dealing with it. Because I'm still learning everyday.
I guess the first time I can recall suffering from anxiety was during my first year at Sixth Form. During that year, I cannot recall anything other than constantly feeling uneasy and struggling to even walk into the common room. At the time, I had no idea about anxiety or that suffering from it was something that could happen. However, I knew I felt anxious. It was a new place, new people, of course I was going to feel uneasy about it! But what concerned me was why my friends who were also new to the school could easily wonder into the common room and their classes alone, and I couldn't? Why I couldn't hang around school with my friends after classes because I was desperate to get home where I knew I felt safe? Which then resulted in the majority of my classmates thinking I was self-centered and strange. I wasn't invited to any gatherings, sleepovers, coffee dates; nothing! And it was all because of the anxiety I didn't know I had! It definitely got better by my second year, but with the stress of A-Levels and moving on with my life, and the constant struggle between going to drama school or not, I knew it wasn't a phase. In fact, I'd say now that I know the main reason why drama school was off the cards for me (other than the fact I couldn't afford it...). During my second year at Sixth Form, I had my first major panic attack. I shrugged it off and continued as normal.
During my first year of working as a professional performer, my anxiety subsided a little. It wasn't as noticeable, but the occasional uneasiness would appear when I was abroad around men. After chatting to one of my best friends, who has suffered from anxiety and panic attacks for the majority of her life, I began to realise that maybe, possibly, I suffered from it too. I brushed it off at first, because the thought of me struggling with something like this seemed ridiculous. I was confident, outgoing, and fairly laidback in uncomfortable situations, and, not to toot my own horn, but I know how to handle myself. Me suffering from anxiety would be laughable to anyone who knows me! Because you certainly wouldn't expect it!
The panic attacks continued during various occasions: on nights out, when performing, even when I was sat on my own bed in my room. Yet I still ignored it! I just felt like I was being over emotional, I was embarrassed to tell anyone about my hyperventilating episodes. What was worse was the fact I couldn't even tell my own parents, who are without a doubt my best friends!
This year was the year when I finally spoke out about it. You're probably wondering about my "Christmas" incident that I mentioned earlier. Well, it was when I was working as a Snow Fairy at a theme park in Abu Dhabi. I was hosting a show in front of a full audience of children, when a local man approached me and asked me for a photo. Due to show rules, I politely declined and told him I would take a photo with him later on. However, this man was not about rules and regulations, as he started to verbally harass me during the show with his friends. Finally, after a lot of persistent nagging from this man, I took a photo with him. As I went to leave to do another show, the man decided that, because I made him wait, he would "punish" me by putting me in a tight headlock in front of the audience of children, and him and his friends took pictures of it. Luckily, my manager saw and reported the men to security, and they were escorted off the premises. Not long after, I had what was my biggest panic attack to date.
A similar incident happened a couple of months later with some local men when I was working in Muscat, and that panic attack was even bigger. Thankfully, my best friend who suffers also from anxiety was there to calm me down and get me through it without anyone really noticing I had gone. When I returned to the UK, I went to my GP to discuss it.
My GP told me that it was anxiety, and that my hyperventilating fits were panic attacks. He gave me some tablets to take whenever I felt anxious, but I try not to use them too much as I wouldn't want to abuse them. Since then, I have started to be able to tell the difference between feeling uncomfortable, and when I'm about to have a panic attack. What I'm still learning is what triggers them, because it seems that right now, anything can trigger them. This recent trip involved me having 3 panic attacks in the space of a week, which was certainly not ideal. One was in front of children! The other was in a local bar, and the third occurred when a prank on my roommate (that I wasn't involved in) went too far, resulting in me sobbing hysterically all night while the rest of the cast went out for a nice final night in Bahrain.
That night, the people who knew about my panic attacks told the rest of the cast, and they were shocked and said they had "no idea", which is why I'm writing this post today. Because you never know what is happening beneath the surface. And even if someone is the bubbliest, most outgoing person you've ever met, they still have their weaknesses. And it turns out that mine is anxiety. And if you relate to any of this, please talk to someone about it as soon as possible; don't wait as long as I did.
Fawce xoxo.
As you guys are aware, I have been AWOL these last two weeks, and that is because I have just returned from the lovely land of Bahrain! Yes! I finally got to go to Bahrain and perform Snow White there! And I'm planning a massive post about my trip in the upcoming week.
But today, I wanted to tell you all something. Looking at the title, you can probably tell what this post is going to entail. And before you click off, I am purely going to tell you what I have experienced the last few years, because it was about time I addressed it.
The reason I'm posting this now is because a couple of days ago, I had probably the biggest panic attack I've ever had in my life. Anxiety is new to me, and I have been living with it for 3 years without even knowing what it was. It wasn't until I went to my GP and spoke about a panic attack I had when abroad last Christmas did I find out that I suffered from anxiety and what triggers it.
Nowadays, it's pretty common to say that you suffer from anxiety or panic attacks because it's just easier to say you feel anxious rather than just coming right out and saying that you're uncomfortable with something. Or, it can be used as a good "get-out" escape...especially as mental disorders are very much degraded when it comes up in discussion.
But I'm not here to discuss that today. I'm talking about my experiences, and how I'm dealing with it. Because I'm still learning everyday.
I guess the first time I can recall suffering from anxiety was during my first year at Sixth Form. During that year, I cannot recall anything other than constantly feeling uneasy and struggling to even walk into the common room. At the time, I had no idea about anxiety or that suffering from it was something that could happen. However, I knew I felt anxious. It was a new place, new people, of course I was going to feel uneasy about it! But what concerned me was why my friends who were also new to the school could easily wonder into the common room and their classes alone, and I couldn't? Why I couldn't hang around school with my friends after classes because I was desperate to get home where I knew I felt safe? Which then resulted in the majority of my classmates thinking I was self-centered and strange. I wasn't invited to any gatherings, sleepovers, coffee dates; nothing! And it was all because of the anxiety I didn't know I had! It definitely got better by my second year, but with the stress of A-Levels and moving on with my life, and the constant struggle between going to drama school or not, I knew it wasn't a phase. In fact, I'd say now that I know the main reason why drama school was off the cards for me (other than the fact I couldn't afford it...). During my second year at Sixth Form, I had my first major panic attack. I shrugged it off and continued as normal.
During my first year of working as a professional performer, my anxiety subsided a little. It wasn't as noticeable, but the occasional uneasiness would appear when I was abroad around men. After chatting to one of my best friends, who has suffered from anxiety and panic attacks for the majority of her life, I began to realise that maybe, possibly, I suffered from it too. I brushed it off at first, because the thought of me struggling with something like this seemed ridiculous. I was confident, outgoing, and fairly laidback in uncomfortable situations, and, not to toot my own horn, but I know how to handle myself. Me suffering from anxiety would be laughable to anyone who knows me! Because you certainly wouldn't expect it!
The panic attacks continued during various occasions: on nights out, when performing, even when I was sat on my own bed in my room. Yet I still ignored it! I just felt like I was being over emotional, I was embarrassed to tell anyone about my hyperventilating episodes. What was worse was the fact I couldn't even tell my own parents, who are without a doubt my best friends!
This year was the year when I finally spoke out about it. You're probably wondering about my "Christmas" incident that I mentioned earlier. Well, it was when I was working as a Snow Fairy at a theme park in Abu Dhabi. I was hosting a show in front of a full audience of children, when a local man approached me and asked me for a photo. Due to show rules, I politely declined and told him I would take a photo with him later on. However, this man was not about rules and regulations, as he started to verbally harass me during the show with his friends. Finally, after a lot of persistent nagging from this man, I took a photo with him. As I went to leave to do another show, the man decided that, because I made him wait, he would "punish" me by putting me in a tight headlock in front of the audience of children, and him and his friends took pictures of it. Luckily, my manager saw and reported the men to security, and they were escorted off the premises. Not long after, I had what was my biggest panic attack to date.
A similar incident happened a couple of months later with some local men when I was working in Muscat, and that panic attack was even bigger. Thankfully, my best friend who suffers also from anxiety was there to calm me down and get me through it without anyone really noticing I had gone. When I returned to the UK, I went to my GP to discuss it.
My GP told me that it was anxiety, and that my hyperventilating fits were panic attacks. He gave me some tablets to take whenever I felt anxious, but I try not to use them too much as I wouldn't want to abuse them. Since then, I have started to be able to tell the difference between feeling uncomfortable, and when I'm about to have a panic attack. What I'm still learning is what triggers them, because it seems that right now, anything can trigger them. This recent trip involved me having 3 panic attacks in the space of a week, which was certainly not ideal. One was in front of children! The other was in a local bar, and the third occurred when a prank on my roommate (that I wasn't involved in) went too far, resulting in me sobbing hysterically all night while the rest of the cast went out for a nice final night in Bahrain.
That night, the people who knew about my panic attacks told the rest of the cast, and they were shocked and said they had "no idea", which is why I'm writing this post today. Because you never know what is happening beneath the surface. And even if someone is the bubbliest, most outgoing person you've ever met, they still have their weaknesses. And it turns out that mine is anxiety. And if you relate to any of this, please talk to someone about it as soon as possible; don't wait as long as I did.
Fawce xoxo.
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